i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
