I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
