You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
