I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
and she was petting her beer can
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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