Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
