Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
