there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
the liver wants what the liver wants
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
