I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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