Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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