3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
