I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
