If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
