Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
