Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
