It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
