Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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