No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
