Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
