Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
