Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
