I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
