ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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