I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
