Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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