Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
