Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
