My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
