Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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