His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
