I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
