Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
