so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
