Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
