ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
