i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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