I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
