just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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