Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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