you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
