Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
