He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
