that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He shit in the fireplace
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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