her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dude. I can hear the air.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
