I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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