I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
