he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
