In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
