watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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