The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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