Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
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