Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
