The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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