sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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