So drunk its hurt
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
