Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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