Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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