Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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