i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
whose parrot is this?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
